Prevent Challenges by Involving Children

How do children learn appropriate behaviors? We teach them!

We may need to make some updates to our approach, however, to teach with the brain in mind.

21^st century teaching and parenting recommendations have finally caught up with what Benjamin Franklin proposed over two centuries ago: we need to involve children in learning. We do that, in part, by balancing out directions, corrections and reminders with open-ended questions. 

Yet we give directions, corrections, and reminders to children all day long, because we think this is “teaching.” It isn’t teaching…it’s telling. Worse, it can be shaming and blaming. Despite what some adults believe, children do not do better when they feel bad. With directions, corrections and reminders, the risk is children end up feeling bad about themselves…and, you!

We teach with the brain in mind by involving children in learning through the use of open-ended questions instead of directions, corrections and reminders. With this shift, children’s minds and brains are primed to remain in an open, receptive learning state.

Dr. Bruce Perry‘s Neurosequential Model in Education outlines key principles of development and brain functioning to support an optimal learning state. According to Perry, we must regulate, relate, and then reason.  Both children, and ourselves!

In the examples above, did you feel like I was relating to you, did you feel regulated (emotionally and physically) or did you feel disconnected and defensive? Did you feel like reasoning? I didn’t involve you, so probably not; instead, you probably felt like defending yourself or just getting away from me!

When adults direct, correct and remind children, even when using a “sweet” voice, they may be sending signals of warning, not welcome, to the child’s brain. Such signals may disrupt the child’s sense of connection or relationship with the adult and potentially trigger emotional and physical dysregulation. Under these conditions, reasoning is not likely in the brain.

Children need, not want, adults to relate and (co)-regulate by showing signs of welcome and safety through their words and body language before they can reason. Another way to think of it: co-regulation and connection begets healthy communication. Adults reason better under the same conditions. These are human needs, not just children’s needs.

Instead of teaching by telling, you might try involving children by asking open-ended questions; that is, questions that do not have a “yes” or “no” answer. Consider these options for replacing directions, corrections and reminders:

Direction: “Louise, put your toys away. It’s time to clean up,” versus, “What’s your plan for clean-up, Louise?”

Correction: “You aren’t being safe, Leanne. That’s not how we play that game,” versus, “How can you play with that game safely, Leanne?” or “What is a friendly way to take your turn?”

Reminder: “Remember, you need to wash your hands after sand play,” versus, “What do you need to do with your hands after sand play?” or “Where do you need to go after sand play?”

Open-ended questions must be asked in the context of a safe environment, with adults sending signals to children that the questions come from a place of curiosity, openness, and acceptance not an effort to catch the child doing something wrong. Consider this example:

“Why did you hit your sister (said in a harsh tone with arms crossed),” versus, “Whoa, looks like you two may have a problem. I’m here to help. What is happening (said with concerned tone as adult kneels to child’s eye level)?”

When children have challenging behavior, adults may feel overwhelmed, angry, frustrated or hopeless. At such times the dysregulation of the adult’s brain may impact his or her ability to help the child regulate, relate, and reason. Adults need to take time to engage in practices that help promote their use of verbal and non-verbal behavior to convey signs of soothing, safety and security when involving children even during challenging times.

Sign up below to receive the latest tips for how to stay regulated and
‘See The Child Behind The Behavior‘

To create an environment of safety and welcome, the child’s brain is scanning for signs of being seen, soothed, safe, and secure, what Daniel Siegel  and Tina Payne Bryson call the “4 S’s” of attachment. We create this environment, in part, through our interactions: both verbal and non-verbal language.

The quality of your voice: soft, audible but not too loud, with an intonation that shows curiosity not disapproval; pace your questions so they don’t seem like you are drilling the child; be sure to pause to allow the child time to respond; pause to reflect the child’s perspective before asking another question or offering a prompt.

Facial Expressions and Body language: if possible be on the child’s eye level, place yourself at a distance that the child feels comfortable with, or, if standing, make your gestures, facial expressions, and body position signify safety e.g., no hands on hips, crossed arms or furrowed brows, etc.

To involve children in optimal learning, we commit to replacing directions, corrections, and reminders with open-ended questions whenever possible. Leading with the open-ended question, however, e.g., “What is happening?” may signal danger or threat to a child’s brain e.g. the child may think, “Ut-oh, I’m in trouble now!” You may consider words, and non-verbal language, that regulate and relate before you attempt to reason with an open-ended question. Try one of the following approaches to signify you are curious, open and receptive:

1. Summarizing the situation to signal the intention to co-regulate and relate with collaboration, e.g., “Looks like this center is full. Everyone has their names in one of the slots on the visual board. What can you do if you want a turn, Annika?
2. Validating the child’s perspective helps to co-regulate and relate, e.g., “Sometimes it is hard to stop playing to clean up, huh? What is something fun you can do once we clean up?” or “Seems like you were hoping to play outside longer, Tyrese. You love outside time! What is your plan for free choice once we come inside?”
3. Connecting to the child’s feeling state as a way to co-regulate and relate, e.g., “You look really disappointed, Max. You didn’t get another turn on the bike. I wonder what might help you feel better right now?”
4. Remember to focus on appropriate behaviors as well, not because there is a need for regulation, perhaps, but because it is an opportunity to help children relate and reason, e.g., “Wow, you two are laughing and having fun with your project. I wonder how you decided to build that?”

There is no one-size-fits all to asking open-ended questions. The adult must use his or her discernment to attune to the child’s needs in the moment, or as I encourage in my trainings, “See the Child behind the Behavior.” To do this well, the adult needs to be fully regulated to relate to the child’s verbal and non-verbal language needs at the time.

Asking open-ended questions in place of reminders, directions, and corrections, promotes children’s ability to regulate, relate and reason. Consider these additional brain benefits:

1) Open-ended questions promote attunement: attunement is foundational for all social and emotional learning and a key function of the pre-frontal cortex. Open-ended questions promote both intrapersonal attunement (the child considering his/her perspective) which supports the skill of insight, and interpersonal attunement (the child considering others perspectives) which supports the development of empathy. Such relatedness helps with regulation and reasoning in the brain.

2) Open-ended questions promote development of what Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson call the “upstairs brain,” the region of the cortex that strengthen regulation and reasoning. Open-ended questions activate this part of the brain by involving children in thinking. The “upstairs brain” prevents challenging behavior and promotes learning through skills such as focal attention, insight, empathy, morality, emotional and physical regulation, to name a few.

One additional benefit? You will be working smarter, not harder, to promote the behaviors you hope to teach because you are involving the child in developing the brain!

Directions, corrections, and reminders may have usefulness when used sparingly. If you are sure a child doesn’t know what to do, or if it is a moment of urgency in regard to safety, you may offer such a prompt. The purpose of this article is not to eliminate those practices entirely; but rather, to use discernment when choosing how you engage with children. The goal is to involve the child in learning by teaching and parenting with the brain in mind: to teach based on science, not habits!

Sign up below to receive an email notice when Laura posts another article:

How do children learn appropriate behaviors? We teach them!

We may need to make some updates to our approach, however, to teach with the brain in mind.

21^st century teaching and parenting recommendations have finally caught up with what Benjamin Franklin proposed over two centuries ago: we need to involve children in learning. We do that, in part, by balancing out directions, corrections and reminders with open-ended questions. 

Yet we give directions, corrections, and reminders to children all day long, because we think this is “teaching.” It isn’t teaching…it’s telling. Worse, it can be shaming and blaming. Despite what some adults believe, children do not do better when they feel bad. With directions, corrections and reminders, the risk is children end up feeling bad about themselves…and, you!

We teach with the brain in mind by involving children in learning through the use of open-ended questions instead of directions, corrections and reminders. With this shift, children’s minds and brains are primed to remain in an open, receptive learning state.

Dr. Bruce Perry‘s Neurosequential Model in Education outlines key principles of development and brain functioning to support an optimal learning state. According to Perry, we must regulate, relate, and then reason.  Both children, and ourselves!

In the examples above, did you feel like I was relating to you, did you feel regulated (emotionally and physically) or did you feel disconnected and defensive? Did you feel like reasoning? I didn’t involve you, so probably not; instead, you probably felt like defending yourself or just getting away from me!

When adults direct, correct and remind children, even when using a “sweet” voice, they may be sending signals of warning, not welcome, to the child’s brain. Such signals may disrupt the child’s sense of connection or relationship with the adult and potentially trigger emotional and physical dysregulation. Under these conditions, reasoning is not likely in the brain.

Children need, not want, adults to relate and (co)-regulate by showing signs of welcome and safety through their words and body language before they can reason. Another way to think of it: co-regulation and connection begets healthy communication. Adults reason better under the same conditions. These are human needs, not just children’s needs.

Instead of teaching by telling, you might try involving children by asking open-ended questions; that is, questions that do not have a “yes” or “no” answer. Consider these options for replacing directions, corrections and reminders:

Direction: “Louise, put your toys away. It’s time to clean up,” versus, “What’s your plan for clean-up, Louise?”

Correction: “You aren’t being safe, Leanne. That’s not how we play that game,” versus, “How can you play with that game safely, Leanne?” or “What is a friendly way to take your turn?”

Reminder: “Remember, you need to wash your hands after sand play,” versus, “What do you need to do with your hands after sand play?” or “Where do you need to go after sand play?”

Open-ended questions must be asked in the context of a safe environment, with adults sending signals to children that the questions come from a place of curiosity, openness, and acceptance not an effort to catch the child doing something wrong. Consider this example:

“Why did you hit your sister (said in a harsh tone with arms crossed),” versus, “Whoa, looks like you two may have a problem. I’m here to help. What is happening (said with concerned tone as adult kneels to child’s eye level)?”

When children have challenging behavior, adults may feel overwhelmed, angry, frustrated or hopeless. At such times the dysregulation of the adult’s brain may impact his or her ability to help the child regulate, relate, and reason. Adults need to take time to engage in practices that help promote their use of verbal and non-verbal behavior to convey signs of soothing, safety and security when involving children even during challenging times.

Sign up below to receive the latest tips for how to stay regulated and
‘See The Child Behind The Behavior‘

To create an environment of safety and welcome, the child’s brain is scanning for signs of being seen, soothed, safe, and secure, what Daniel Siegel  and Tina Payne Bryson call the “4 S’s” of attachment. We create this environment, in part, through our interactions: both verbal and non-verbal language.

The quality of your voice: soft, audible but not too loud, with an intonation that shows curiosity not disapproval; pace your questions so they don’t seem like you are drilling the child; be sure to pause to allow the child time to respond; pause to reflect the child’s perspective before asking another question or offering a prompt.

Facial Expressions and Body language: if possible be on the child’s eye level, place yourself at a distance that the child feels comfortable with, or, if standing, make your gestures, facial expressions, and body position signify safety e.g., no hands on hips, crossed arms or furrowed brows, etc.

To involve children in optimal learning, we commit to replacing directions, corrections, and reminders with open-ended questions whenever possible. Leading with the open-ended question, however, e.g., “What is happening?” may signal danger or threat to a child’s brain e.g. the child may think, “Ut-oh, I’m in trouble now!” You may consider words, and non-verbal language, that regulate and relate before you attempt to reason with an open-ended question. Try one of the following approaches to signify you are curious, open and receptive:

1. Summarizing the situation to signal the intention to co-regulate and relate with collaboration, e.g., “Looks like this center is full. Everyone has their names in one of the slots on the visual board. What can you do if you want a turn, Annika?
2. Validating the child’s perspective helps to co-regulate and relate, e.g., “Sometimes it is hard to stop playing to clean up, huh? What is something fun you can do once we clean up?” or “Seems like you were hoping to play outside longer, Tyrese. You love outside time! What is your plan for free choice once we come inside?”
3. Connecting to the child’s feeling state as a way to co-regulate and relate, e.g., “You look really disappointed, Max. You didn’t get another turn on the bike. I wonder what might help you feel better right now?”
4. Remember to focus on appropriate behaviors as well, not because there is a need for regulation, perhaps, but because it is an opportunity to help children relate and reason, e.g., “Wow, you two are laughing and having fun with your project. I wonder how you decided to build that?”

There is no one-size-fits all to asking open-ended questions. The adult must use his or her discernment to attune to the child’s needs in the moment, or as I encourage in my trainings, “See the Child behind the Behavior.” To do this well, the adult needs to be fully regulated to relate to the child’s verbal and non-verbal language needs at the time.

Asking open-ended questions in place of reminders, directions, and corrections, promotes children’s ability to regulate, relate and reason. Consider these additional brain benefits:

1) Open-ended questions promote attunement: attunement is foundational for all social and emotional learning and a key function of the pre-frontal cortex. Open-ended questions promote both intrapersonal attunement (the child considering his/her perspective) which supports the skill of insight, and interpersonal attunement (the child considering others perspectives) which supports the development of empathy. Such relatedness helps with regulation and reasoning in the brain.

2) Open-ended questions promote development of what Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson call the “upstairs brain,” the region of the cortex that strengthen regulation and reasoning. Open-ended questions activate this part of the brain by involving children in thinking. The “upstairs brain” prevents challenging behavior and promotes learning through skills such as focal attention, insight, empathy, morality, emotional and physical regulation, to name a few.

One additional benefit? You will be working smarter, not harder, to promote the behaviors you hope to teach because you are involving the child in developing the brain!

Directions, corrections, and reminders may have usefulness when used sparingly. If you are sure a child doesn’t know what to do, or if it is a moment of urgency in regard to safety, you may offer such a prompt. The purpose of this article is not to eliminate those practices entirely; but rather, to use discernment when choosing how you engage with children. The goal is to involve the child in learning by teaching and parenting with the brain in mind: to teach based on science, not habits!

Sign up below to receive an email notice when Laura posts another article:

People regularly seek therapy to get rid of, stop, or eliminate something in their lives: intrusive thoughts, challenging emotions, and habits/behaviors. Or, they’ve been avoiding acknowledging these disruptions, but have come to realize they need to do something to stop the pain.

I get it. When we perceive something is getting in our way from wholehearted living, we want it gone. But if we set out to fight what is there, to banish it, or combat it we activate the same brain circuitry that causes the dis-ease in the first place.  

Consider this recent example: a client came to counseling with the goal, “I want to get rid of anxiety.” Throughout our first session he kept making comments such as, “I need to learn how to fight the anxiety,,” and “I hate feeling anxious. I want it to stop for good.” Essentially, he identified anxiety as the root of all his problems. No wonder he wanted to banish anxiety from his life.

Yet this mindset of eliminating, stopping, and fighting anxiety, or whatever challenge arises, keeps us stuck. Why? It is a reactive stance at risk of activating the sympathetic nervous system’s fight or flight network or the parasympathetic system’s freeze or faint circuitry. The same stress response that leads to the anxiety or other disruption in the first place.

The truth is anxiety, or any strong emotion, is a signal shared between the brain and body that reaches our minds seeking our skillful attention. If we try to shut down the brain’s system for alerting us to imbalance by dismissing, deny, or distracting ourselves from the emotions, we risk cutting ourselves off from receiving the important information carried within our emotional landscape. Instead, we want to give that system a tune up, so it isn’t overly reactive while also learning how to respond to the information it gives us from a more evolved part of the nervous system.

Pause here and reflect upon what this means to you.

Instead of reacting, I show clients how to use attuned awareness to respond by recognizing and relating to the signals from within us, around us, and between us, not trying to shut them down or avoid them. By activating the brain’s social engagement system, we can become open and receptive to what arises from a place of non-judgment, loving-kindness, and compassion for self and others. A non-combative stance. I teach clients this practice of attending and befriending to help them respond, not react, to life’s challenges.

I know, this sounds counter intuitive. Stay with me.

Emotions, recurring thoughts, and bodily sensations serve as signals that something is either going well, or that something is missing or wrong. Instead of attempting to shut down those signals, I teach clients how to R.S.V.P to the invitations from the body/mind/brain continuum with the attuned engagement of attending and befriending.

How does one attend and befriend when challenges arise? Start by cultivating what Daniel Siegel calls a C.O.A.L state of mind: curious, open, accepting and loving. Not combative.

You apply this C.O.A.L mindset toward yourself first: your thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, images, and behaviors. They are there to teach you something. They are not an enemy to combat. It starts with this shift in understanding that attending to the information from within you, around you, and between yourself and others with openness allows you to befriend challenges with attuned awareness.

The goal is to be in-relationship with whatever arises by learning how to identify, understand, express, and eventually manage intrusive or repetitive thoughts, strong emotions, uncomfortable bodily sensations, intense images, and challenging or unhealthy behaviors.

For the client I mentioned with anxiety, instead of perseverating on a partner’s words,  a coworker’s actions, a friend’s inattentiveness, or some other external trigger, I helped him notice these triggers, then turn inward with openness and receptivity to explore his state of mind and brain. To attend with intrapersonal attunement:

I showed him how to befriend the answers he received to these and other reflective questions by offering himself non-judgment, loving-kindness, and compassion starting with:

A C.O.A.L mindset is linked to a responsive setting in the brain. It helps us remain in  the ventral vagal, or social engagement, system of the brain, rather than the reactive settings of the sympathetic (fight/flight) or dorsal vagal parasympathetic (freeze, faint) nervous system. From this responsive place, you can then use your mind to choose the tools to help you manage, not combat/eliminate/stop/get rid of, your thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, images, and behaviors. Over time, this C.O.A.L state of mind leads to traits of being a curious, open, accepting, and loving person with a brain wired to respond to challenges from a place of balance rather than reactivity.

Attend and befriend to cultivate lasting change.

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